Option 3

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately. I had a loooooong conversation with a beloved friend over the weekend and he put things with my dad in a whole new perspective for me. I’m not gonna lie, I was a little bruised by the truth at first. Luckily, my friend is so full of love for me that I trust his intentions without question and was able to listen to the message, despite how much it wounded my pride. Because he was right and it’s time to make some changes in my life.

So, as my dear friend Lance would say: look… here’s the deal.

My dad is a grown man and he makes his own choices. The person he is today is who he’s chosen to be and that’s his right. It’s not my job to mold him into something that works for me, nor is it my right to do so. He gets to make his own decisions on who he wants in his life and clearly that isn’t me. I don’t understand why – and I’ve asked. Dad told me the honest answer to that question would hurt me too much and wouldn’t answer. Regardless, it’s time for me to accept that he’s not going to choose me and mine. This is who he wants to be and I’ve gotta find a way to be ok with that. Arguing with him about the way he treats me isn’t doing either of us any good. I’ve been trapped in this emotional quicksand for too long. It’s time to move forward and stop wishing things were different. They aren’t. This is reality. Not liking it doesn’t change the truth and all I’m doing is wasting energy being miserable over someone that has clearly moved on.

So if I can’t change dad, the only thing I can change is me. I have control over what I do and do not allow in my life and what I allow to affect me. I made a decision yesterday that I was done. I sent my dad a text and told him I was faced with three choices: accept that he’s not gonna be who I need and that every interaction will likely end up in a fight, continue trying to rebuild something only one of us wants, or make the choice to walk away. Option 1 is no fun for either of us – I am far too opinionated to let his mistreatment of me and my kids go without calling him out on it and he will continue to make the same choices regardless. Option 2 has been my life for the past two years and it’s taken a tremendous toll on me physically and emotionally – it can’t continue. So I’m left with Option 3 and I’m making the choice to remove him from my life.

This was not an easy decision for me. I yearn for the kind of relationship we had when our family first moved to Idaho – things were so fun and easy. My kids had the very best version of their Pop. I had the very best version of my dad – we got through the worst time of our lives by leaning on each other and it was a beautiful thing. I want so badly for all of us to have that guy in our corner, but that guy has vacated the premises. I feel rather lost without both of my parents and it’s terrifying to think that something could happen to him and I won’t be around to know it, but… Again, that’s something I can’t control. (Ugh! Why are there so many of those things?!?) All I really know right now that that growing up is hard and painful work. It sucks when your only option is the most difficult one.

Option 3 sucks. But it’s for the best, not just for me but also for Dad. He gets to be free to make choices without my judgements – he gets to invest his energy in relationships that feed his soul. And I need to do the same. I could mourn the loss of a thousand things, but the time for sackcloth and ashes has passed. It’s time to put on my big girl pants and teach my kids that circumstances do not dictate your emotions and emotions do not dictate your choices. That they have a right to expect honesty and empathy and love from their family members. That it’s ok to say, “I’ve had enough” when those things disappear. That they deserve the best version of their mama that I can be.