Pinterest Fail

I was browsing Pinterest the other day and, because I have Alexa speakers in every room and Big Sister is always listening, a link popped up on parental estrangement. Apparently Amazon is also working as my therapist now, but I’m ok with it because my kids can turn on their own music and audiobooks. Twenty minutes of mom peace for eavesdropping? I’m a cheap date, y’all.

Anyway. Here’s the article Dr Alexa thinks I needed to read:

https://bernadetteamoyer.org/2015/01/10/dear-estranged-adult-sons-and-daughters/

The author’s main point is that estrangement from one’s parent is unhealthy and doing so creates a higher likelihood of our own children becoming estranged from us. This is because we’re teaching them that parents are disposable and unimportant. She herself was estranged from her own mother and did not reconcile before her mother’s death, and now she’s estranged from her own daughter. She advocates for peace.

My first read through, I was horrified. Oh my gosh, I’ve been doing everything wrong. Do I need to apologize? Have I really done everything to, “so far as it is with you, live at peace with all men”? (That quote is courtesy of my mama. It’s a paraphrase of a verse in Romans. She speaks up in the back of my mind a lot.) What was I teaching my children about my own importance?

Then I read it again. And again. And I sent a copy to my brother and my best friend and my wife. Melissa is my rock, making decisions based on cold, hard truths. Aaron is my fire, teaching me that anger isn’t always an enemy and feeling angry is ok. And Mo is my earth, reminding me of what is true and grounding me in the solidarity and steadfastness of her presence. I needed the view from all three elementals on this one. Was I in the wrong? And all three gave a resounding, reassuring no.

Here’s the thing Dr Don (my actual therapist who costs a lot more than a $25 Alexa) says about relationships: a lack of boundaries between you and someone else doesn’t mean you love them more than they love you; it means you don’t love yourself. Having boundaries means having basic operating principles in relationships – some actions are a hard no. No boundaries means you continue to take mistreatment and abuse in order to maintain relationship at all costs. But in reality, the cost is yourself.

Yesterday, Melissa woke me at 3am with the words, “You need to see this.” She brought me down to the computer to show me the news: my dad got married yesterday. I found out via a Facebook when one of our mutual friends posted photos. At first I could say nothing, merely sit there in stunned disbelief. This is his choice? To cut me out of his life entirely rather than admit he’s wrong? To believe that explaining WHY he lied is the same as apologizing FOR the lie itself? I can understand why things happened the way they did. That doesn’t make it ok. A lie is still a lie and honesty is still a good boundary.

I have been estranged from my dad before, about 15 years ago. That time, he called me every day for two weeks. He left me voicemails in varying form – he sang, he told me Dave the (male) dog was pregnant, he was charming and he finally wore me down. This time isn’t like that, though. He doesn’t care enough to call. My kids don’t matter enough to acknowledge their birthdays. The holidays weren’t difficult without us because he doesn’t miss us. My absence bothers him so little that he planned his entire wedding without telling me. And without responding when I asked about the wedding the day prior. He doesn’t want me in his life. I have to find a way to accept that.

I sent my dad a text yesterday, trying and failing to be succinct. Trying to encapsulate it all is so hard. This is my text and his response:

What I am teaching my kids about estrangement is that they have a right to be treated with love and respect. And if their parents hurt them, they have the right to come to us and ask for better. That it’s ok to expect me as their mother to be truthful and kind and to apologize and work on it when I’m not. The three big kids sat down with us last night to talk about Pop getting married and the first question was, “why didn’t we go?”. They, like me, automatically assumed we’d be included. They, like me, were stunned when they discovered we weren’t.

This Pinterest suggestion is a Pinterest Fail. I do not believe it’s wrong to expect kindness and honesty. I do not believe that relationship must be maintained at all cost – I deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. I will not sacrifice either for the sake of peace. Sorry, Mama, but this is “as far as it is with me” – I’m in charge of the peace this time.

PS: Dad, if you’re reading this, my door is always open for reconciliation. Call me. Commenting here is not an effective way for us to communicate.