Just Call Me Bob Barker

Long, long ago in a galaxy far, far away I used to be a morning person. I woke up by 6am without an alarm clock and I’d clean my apartment and run errands before I started work at 8:30. My weekends were full of things like concerts and girls trips. I remember one weekend trip with a bestie and we’d gone dancing until 2am. I made it to 7am before I woke her up wanting to go explore Seattle. Her look of horrified disbelief still makes me laugh.

And then I had five kids. I was reasonably perky in the mornings while I was a career woman, because I led a team that started at 5am. I always managed to hit a Starbucks on the way in, though. Then the babies arrived and I quit my job to be a full-time mom. I replaced all my business clothes, hobbies and sex life with caffeine, butter and Nick Jr. Now I’m just a twitchy lady who sings the theme song for Bluey while wearing leggings because I can’t even get into my own pants. Now mornings are for the birds.

It’s not just that I’m tired. It’s that every morning is like the Showcase Showdown wheel on the Price is Right. Even if you hit the jackpot – which rarely happens anyway – you still only win a dollar. The spaces on my wheel are labeled with things like: Can’t Find My Gloves, I Forgot I Had Homework or Who Smells Like Poop? The jackpot says Everyone Got to School Without A Meltdown!, which should feel like a prize but also feels like the bar for success is set pretty dang low. But I do get coffee afterwards, which is definitely better than a dollar.

Take today, for example. I managed to hit two spaces on the wheel before 8:30am (if you guessed Can’t Find My Gloves and I Forgot I Had Homework, you’re the next contestant on the Price is Right!) but we also managed to tap into the rarely seen I Can’t Fully Shut The Van Door. I also didn’t realize we’d reached that particular milestone until the car started frenetically beeping at me once we hit 15mph on the road, at which point I couldn’t stop. So what did I do? Yep, drove the entire 1.2 miles to school with the car screeching at me twice a second. Roo decided it was too annoying and started roaring like a T-Rex with every beep. Pook’s got her ears covered and Boogie keeps asking me for a donut.

I’m telling you… Who wouldn’t love a morning like this? I can feel your jealousy from here.

Seasoned parents tell me often how much I’ll miss these days. I’m sure they’re right, but it might be because we only remember the cute and cuddly moments versus chaos and poop inside tennis shoes and sleep deprivation. Or maybe I’m just an overdramatic mother who paid way too much for IVF to be perpetually annoyed with my children. I know the years are short but the days are mighty long sometimes.

I picture my friend’s face on that Saturday morning at 7am when I woke her up to go shopping. I am now equally horrified with disbelief that I ever thought mornings were a good idea. I’m sorry, J. Wanna watch some Price is Right reruns with me?