Summer School

I was a good student. School came easy for me in a way that it didn’t for others, which is something I didn’t realize until I was older. I took it for granted, you know? I just got used to being at the front of the line.

You know what I absolutely do not excel at? Grief. I am terrible at feeling bad and finding a way through it. I see people around me and they’re sad or they miss mom, but they’re mostly ok. My brother tells me he’s fine and doesn’t seem to have any real interest or need for mutual support through this. Dad is in a very odd place. And then there’s me: stuck in the swamp like Atreyu, pleading with a drowning horse not to give up, just a few more step, we’re almost there. I’ve never been the worst student at anything before, and I’ve decided it sucks big time.

I know there’s no timeframe on this. I know it will never go away but will get easier. I know I have to be patient with myself. I know all the things people say and it doesn’t help me at all. All it means to me is that I will be stuck in this dirty, miserable swamp for a long, long time. Somehow that is not very comforting. I am utterly consumed by the wound that is life without my mom. I’m wretched and broken. I don’t want to be in this place anymore. I’m so weary from the battle.

That’s all I’ve got right now, I guess. I haven’t slept and I can’t focus on much and I miss my mom. Is there a way to be better at this? Are grief tutors a thing? Sign me up.