Value Added Services

I’ve been lying here thinking about value today. What makes something valuable? What makes a person valuable? What makes a day valuable? Who makes those decisions and sets the valuations? Are they dynamic or static calculations?

Maybe it seems like an odd thing to ponder on a Thursday afternoon. But the fact is, I thought it was Wednesday until an hour ago and I haven’t gotten out of bed today. I sat up at 7am, having just fallen to sleep a couple of hours prior, and promptly burst into tears. My head was too full and my heart was too empty and all I wanted to do was call my mom and talk to her about it. I’m carrying an entire bucketful of problems that I can’t solve on my own.

Melissa took a long look at me, then tucked me back into bed and told me to take the day off. I have literally never been in bed for an entire day, not even when I was pregnant and supposed to be on bedrest. (Just ask Melissa about the time she came home early and found my nine month pregnant butt on a ladder hanging Christmas garlands. Oh boy.). My days are measured by task completion, generally speaking. Is the house clean? Did I make dinner? Is everyone taken care of?

I’ve done none of that today. I have laid here with the covers over my head for hours. I called my oldest friend and cried on her shoulder. She listened and she offered wisdom water from her own deep pool of loss and then she made me laugh. And I talked to my dad, who is the one person I know feels mom’s loss more keenly than I do, and we commiserated and cried a little together and then we made each other laugh. I told a friend I was struggling and she left coffee on our doorstep. My son knew I was in bad shape – he’s only seven, but Roo crawled under the covers with me, whispered, “It’s about Gram, isn’t it?”. He’s been here for over an hour now, just being with me. My wife is running the Bradshay Circus solo while I lie here and hide.

Which brings me to value. I have always placed a high price on my own ability to just get things done. I am capable and can manage a task list like a serious boss. And even after I stopped bringing in a paycheck, I could find value in my daily accomplishments. Cooking feeds my family and I’m good at it. Keeping the house clean and all of the schedules on track makes for a productive, orderly household. Managing Pook’s medical needs keeps her alive. These things may not generate income, but are certainly value added services in terms of our overall quality of life.

All day, I’ve been lying here feeling like I’ve brought nothing to the table. I have done, quite literally, nothing. In my working days, I’d have said I didn’t earn my salary today. And still, people who love me have poured that love upon me like water on dry ground. Why? What have I done to deserve this generosity? Why am I worth it? I didn’t have the nerve to ask any of the adults who helped today, but I asked Roo. And he shrugged and said, “Because you’re my mom and I love you.”

Maybe it’s really that simple. Maybe being loved is just a state of being versus something earned. Maybe the very fact that I didn’t earn it makes it that much more precious, that much more of a treasure. And maybe, just maybe, that realization can sink down to the deeper parts of my heart and stay there. Maybe the pressure valve on my self-worth can be loosened. Maybe I can be loved for who I am, not what I do. Maybe I can allow myself the freedom to accept love, even if I didn’t earn it.

That’s a lot of maybes. But I think it’s possible. Maybe.

When I spoke to my friend today, she asked me what my mom would say to my questions. And I said: she would tell me to forgive him, that of course I should do the thing I’m scared of and that my kids will be fine because I’m doing the best I can. And my friend said: see, she’s still with you because you already had all the answers.

Oh, I hope like hell thats true. I hope maybes can become reality. I hope I never stop being grateful for being loved. I hope tomorrow is better.