Life Without Lists

I haven’t had a whole lot to say as of late because I’m struggling to find the humor in my life. I can typically find something shiny peeking out of even the darkest cloud, but that’s been tough this past week. It’s not that things feel hopeless, they just feel… off. I don’t know how else to describe it.

In an average day, I am a perpetual motion machine. I start each and every day by making a list of things to get done. I’m wrangling five kids solo, handling meals and laundry and errands and cleaning and doctor visits for Pook. But Melissa has been home with me all week and none of that has been necessary because her perpetual motion machine is in overdrive without a daily job to do. I haven’t touched the washing machine in over a week.

I’ve learned a lot of things this week. I’ve learned that people are amazingly, abundantly kind and generous. I’ve learned that there are a host of government assistance programs that I didn’t even know existed (Did you know there are charities that raise money for diapers? Or that WIC offices will give you money to spend at farmers markets? Or that state sponsored insurance will cover three months of retroactive medical bills? Why on earth aren’t we shouting this stuff from the rooftops?). I’ve learned that complete strangers will see you paying with food stamps and feel the right to critique your grocery choices because “their tax dollars paid for your popsicles”. I’ve learned that it’s incredibly hard to just be. To just sit still, wait upon God, and be.

In true fashion, I tried to fill in the gaps with an excess of stuff. I baked. I organized. I crafted with my extensive stash of supplies. And, also in true fashion, I did it all way too big. Six dozen cookies. Bags of trash and donations. And I spent so much time embroidering that my hands are too swollen today to close. Even this is hard to type.

So now it’s Friday, which is normally my busiest day of the week because I clean the entire house before the weekend and Pook normally has feeding therapy. But there’s no appointment today and my house is already clean. I have no errands to run and literally nothing to do. Clearly, embroidery is off the table. The whole day stretches out in front of me like a blank slate. There’s no list today. I’m just gonna sit and do nothing. I’m just going to be.

I’m trying, I really am. It’s just not easy. But maybe today is the day when I finally learn how to breathe deep and believe that I am enough just as I am. That my worth is not substantiated by my to-do list. That I will be loved for who I am rather than what I do. That I am enough.