D Students

Wow. What a week.

This has been such an arduous season we’re in. One thing went sideways, then another, until we were toppled over like dominoes.

Life. Has. Been. Hard. Returning to work has challenged me in so many ways. I’m trying so hard to grow in so many areas that it just feels overwhelming. I feel split in a hundred directions, to the point that every area of my life is functioning at a weak-kneed 67%. That’s a D. Not exactly great performance, man. And everything came to a head this week on all fronts – our insurance changed and all of the kids’ meds hit a brick wall, both of our jobs kicked into high gear, and we got a notice that we were inches from losing our house. Homeless? With five kids? Oh Lord, oh Lord, no. I’ve never been so terrified in all my life.

Real talk time. Everyone knows how expensive life is these days and managing five kids on one salary is frightening at best. You’re always just one crisis away from complete disaster. In our case, the crisis was Melissa’s broken back and unpaid surgery leave. But, true to form, God has protected our family yet again in the face of ruin. A whole lot of truly humbling things have culminated in re-righting the ship of our life and I am so profoundly thankful. Thankful to the true tribe of people that come through for us again and again. Thankful for a place to call our own and to create childhood memories for our kids. Thankful for friends who still love you even through you’re a hot damn mess.

I don’t know what the next storm will be, but I walk into it knowing that I’m where I am supposed to be and making the right choice for our family. We absolutely need a second income in this economy with this many kids. We need health insurance. So, even if I can’t do everything I used to when I worked at home, even if the house is a mess or the laundry isn’t done, what I am doing is still serving my family. I’m trying to focus on that. I’m also working on bringing up my GPA, I promise. 67% isn’t the best I can do forever, just for today. Tomorrow we shoot for 68%.

I asked my Bestie why it always felt like the other shoe was about to drop and she said, “Thank God for his blessings and keep moving forward.” She’s right, course. (There friend, now you have it in print. Frame a copy for your wall.) The only progress is forward. I can beat myself for the past or I can fix the future. I can be hurt by the people who didn’t show up for us – not a single word from my dad through this whole storm, even though I know he’s aware of our situation – or I can nurture relationships with the people who obviously want to be a part of my life. I can view myself as failing or learning. I can bury myself at the base of Mount Mom Guilt or I can serve my family by doing what I do best.

We’re gonna be ok. Today, at least. And that’s the best I can do.

68% tomorrow and 70 by Sunday. Whoooo boy. Might even hit a C by Monday at this rate.