Funkytown

I’ve been in a mood. A seriously, seriously bad mood. For almost a month.

I’ve been job searching and struggling with so much Mom Guilt about going back to full time work. I know it’s what our family needs right now from a financial standpoint. But, as much as I whine about it, there are aspects of being at home that are sort of awesome. I get to spend so much time with my kids while Melissa is working and I have really gotten to know them over the past five years – know them as people, not just as my children. And I have been able to manage Pook’s care because it’s a scheduling nightmare and you have to be so flexible and so vigilant at the same time. (Not sure at all how I’m gonna manage that one when I start working full time.) But there are also lots of things they want to do that just haven’t been an option financially, and I hate that for them. Pook wants to learn ballet. Roo wants to take computer programming classes. Noodle wants to play soccer, Bean wants the theatahhh, dahling. Two have significant others. Life is already pretty dang busy. But we’re just eking by every month on one salary and things are so tight. The stress on both Melissa and I has been so intense. It’s just gotten to be too much – something had to change.

Melissa got a new job – she started last Tuesday – that’s closer to home. She was working an hour away, so having her in town for emergencies is super helpful. She’s been so encouraging through this job hunt and so supportive of anything I’ve gotten in my head to apply for. I have two part time jobs now, but both are back in Idaho and the commute is a killer. And I still handle childcare pickups/drop offs back in Spokane, so my ability to work more hours has been limited. No matter where I settled, there were a lot of logistics to reconfigure. I’ve applied at multiple jobs and interviewed for several. I ended up with two job offers and had to pick between the two. But I’ve decided and accepted and I start next week.

I am exceedingly grateful that I was able to spend the last five years of my life at home with my kids. it’s been the hardest job I’ve ever had and I have failed so many times, but I’ve succeeded a lot, too. Pook is alive and amazing. Noodle is in full remission from his kidney issues. And oooooh boy, do I have so many embarrassing stories to torture them with as adults. I would have missed most of that if I’d been working. And I really believe that our babygirl is who she is because I was there. Every appointment, every specialist, every surgery. She learned to be a warrior. I’m ferociously proud of that. It’s sad and scary to give up some parts of this job, but I am confident this is the right move for our family at this time. Life will have to adjust around a new set of circumstances and areas of growth for all seven of us. A lot of things will change. I’m pretty sure all know how great I am at coping with change. :wink wink:

This is the speech I try to give myself every day:

All you can do is your best. And that best version of you is allowed just as much grace and compassion as the worst version of you. Your job today is to be a better version of yourself than you were yesterday. Same job tomorrow and the next day. You can’t quit on you or them. Your kids love you. They know how much you love them. And everyone who knows you, knows you did your best.

This motherhood thang ain’t for the weak-hearted, y’all. This crap is HARD.