Big Days

I feel like life is moving at a sprint these days. It’s already spring break and I am confused. What the heck? Wasn’t Christmas like four days ago? My life’s chaos ensures that I have a hard time finding an hour to myself all to myself in the first place. And when I do, it’s hard not to just zone out on my phone because my brain is tired, man – five kids is equal parts awesome and exhausting on a good day. And I haven’t had a lot of great days recently. I’m struggling pretty hard.

Spring is always the hardest season for me emotionally, but this year feels especially so. I’m so weighed down with emotions over the situation with my father that easy things become hard and the hard things become impossible.

I’ve often compared motherhood to Sisyphus, pushing the same rock up the same hill day in, day out. The rock feels so big right now. There is so much he is choosing to miss. My kids are growing up and experiencing big days. First relationships, high school orientations, etc. Big Days. Days that only come once in a lifetime. And he’s missing those moments with them, missing out on some pretty amazing kids because that’s less uncomfortable than admitting he’s wrong.

My grandparents were spectacular people. They loved their family. We were together for everything – every holiday, every birthday. Nobody believed in me like my Gram and Papa did, nobody made me feel as safe. They were the place I could run to when life got too hard. I want that for my kids so badly. I want them to have the biggest and best cheering section.

I don’t pretend to understand my father’s position. I mean, I have read the emails and the texts and heard his words. I understand his position from that stance, sure. But I can’t understand his choices as a parent. If one of my kids told me that we weren’t as close as they’d like us to be, if they truly believed in their heart that I did not love them, I would figure out why and I would fix it. Because my kids make my entire, crazy world and I would be profoundly, permanently broken without any one of them. And if they weren’t sure of that, I’d wanna know why and how I could make it better. I would do everything within my power to repair a breach on our bond, to show them how much they are loved. That is why I truly cannot understand his position. This – the relationship we have now where neither trusts the other and we never see each other – this is enough for him. It isn’t for me. I want my dad around. I want him in my life and to be the one Bean calls when her boyfriend (surely not her mothers haha) makes her crazy. I want the boys to know the Pop that Bean got to enjoy for so long. I want him here for the Big Days.

I can’t seem to slow down the calliope music on which this circus runs, but maybe thats just our theme song. I’m riding shotgun in the engine car and we’re hauling a set of twin monkeys, a pair of matching Tasmanian devils and one rather grumpy sloth. Good thing I picked a cute driver, cuz we’ve got lots of Big Days headed our way.