Calgon Moments

Who else is old enough to remember the old Calgon commercials? This lovely working mom was complaining about her day (“Traffic! My boss! The baby! The dog!”) when she finally reaches her breaking point and shouts, “Calgon, take me away!” and the world spins and suddenly she’s listening to a symphony while in a bubble bath from the set of Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous.

I’m currently having a Calgon moment, only instead of Robin Leach narrating my soak I’ve got three kids pounding on the bedroom door that’s shut while I’m sitting against it. There’s no bubble bath. There’s no harp. There’s Noodle and Roo, who were up til midnight. There’s Pook and Boogie, who I wouldn’t let sleep at naptime since they were also up til midnight. Oh, and Boogie has a giant wad of Kleenex shoved up one nostril because he has a particularly persistent bloody nose yet refuses to sit still. This is Lifestyles of the Broke and Exhausted and I’m your host, Sarah Bradshay.

Welcome to the circus. Hope you brought booze.

Bean decided she wanted to bake during baby naptime today. She started a layer cake as I ran to grab my online grocery order (shopping with five kids in tow is the real Chinese water torture, yo) and I shouted, “Don’t forget the cooking spray!” as I headed out the door. They were coming out to cool as I got home and I said, “Please push that further back on the counter”. Both were given equal treatment, which is to say, she ignored both. So dessert tonight is a layer cake frosted and still stuck in the pans with a big handful scooped out of the top, courtesy of Boogie.

Eventually, I’m gonna have to unlock the door. I know this, but at present I’m focused on how dessert is a metaphor for my entire life. Nobody listens and things go to crap and somehow I’ve got more of Boogie’s blood on me than he does. I don’t do bubble baths, but if I could shout, “Calgon, take me away!” and be swirled far away to a silent and incredibly tacky mansion, I’d give the bath a go. Lord knows I’ve probably done far sketchier things for a moment of peace and quiet than a bubble bath.