Drama Queen

That scene from Monty Python where a priests explodes through a door and shouts, “NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!” is precisely how my boys wake up.

Every. Damn. Day.

Pitch black darkness and utter stillness. And then. There’s a thunder of footsteps pounding up the stairs. The hall door slams shut. And 0.15 seconds later, there are four eyeballs approximately two inches from my face whisper-shouting, “Mom, can I have a snack?”

I’m telling you, it’s against the laws of nature and God and all the saints. Its an excellent turn of luck for the boys that I don’t keep a weapon next to the bed. I’ll admit I had a brief but satisfyingly vivid vision of bludgeoning someone with my alarm clock. I mean, it’s not like it’s used for anything else. The sun is still somewhere over England and here I am, doling our bowls of crackers with a baleful eye. Surely there is a law against this somewhere.

I haven’t had much to say as of late because moving has occupied every spare brain cell I possess. It feels so cold and impersonal to sort through the possessions of someone once they’ve gone. And maybe that “drama queen” comment rankled more than I’d like to admit. Am I dramatic? Yes. Is this hard and exhausting and so very sad? Also yes. But, to me, drama queen implies an overreaction and I just don’t think it’s possible to react big enough for everything happening in my life. I’m not looking for affirmation. The truth is that being vulnerable on this level is raw and challenging and criticism doesn’t feel good. I write because it helps me and because this life of mine is unbelievably big. Pandemics, unemployment, dead mothers, moving 400 miles with five kids, making a home in the midst of mania… Good grief. There seems to be a priest behind every door, just waiting to ambush me. If I can laugh, or make someone else laugh in the process, the priest feels a little less powerful. That’s the best I can do in the face of all this, you know?

Saturday started with a bang. Melissa and I are sneaking off for a few hours this morning to spend some anniversary time together while dad wrangles the herd. In the meantime, I’m gonna drink more coffee and placate my twin elephants with crackers and Disney Jr. Monty Python ain’t got nothing on me, baby.

Drama Queen out.