Brace Yourselves

Y’all. I love my children. I really, really do. And that is no small thing when you consider that four of the five literally tried to kill me while entering the world and all five of them have vomited on my actual face at one point or another. I love them. And I look forward to holidays and family time. But by mid-December, I am solidly on Team Stark: brace yourselves, for Winter Break is coming.

Today is the final day of Winter Break and I consider it a mark of my good parenting that I did not, as I briefly contemplated, chop the three eldest into bits and mail the pieces to their elementary school office. So much fighting. How can you possibly have nothing to do when I watched you unwrap 3,791 new toys on Christmas morning? And at least one of them has been sick through the entire break, but of course not the same one the entire time. We like to rotate our viruses around, we Bradshays do – equal shares for everyone. All of my visions of Zoo Lights and car rides with hot cocoa and watching movies in pajamas were equally dashed. Instead, Kleenex and Vicks Vaporub all around. Merry Christmas, I love you and please don’t breathe on me. Your lightsaber is not an inside toy. It’s not a good idea to push the baby on your new skateboard. Please stop biting your toenails. (Ahhhhh!!!)

Whoever said the best things in life are free was not only a liar but also clearly not a parent. The best things in life cost money – babysitters, iced coffee and the clearance section at Target just to name a few. You know what else isn’t free? Sanity. By five PM on the final day of Winter Break, I was out of Kleenex, tired of STILL finding poop pellets on the floor and ready to Indian leg wrestle the next person who said they were bored. My wife walked in the door, took a long look at my face and kicked me out of the house. Alone. And I will add that my Starbucks card had $7.42 left on it while my favorite iced coffee is $6.35. This is all the proof I need that, although sanity is not free, God loves me and wants me to be happy.

I’m taking my iced coffee and my leftover $1.07 and wandering the Target clearance section. Alone. I might go home at some point, but it’s unlikely that such a return will happen before Monday. You say it’s a coincidence that the kids go back to school on my birthday. I say it is simply further proof that God loves me and knows I’m about to go straight up Game of Thrones in this mutha. This is God’s way of keeping my behind out of jail.