2020 Vision

Someone actually had the nerve to ask what my plans are for New Year’s Eve. Can you believe that? I mean, I haven’t voluntarily seen the other side of midnight in a decade and my crummy kidneys mean no alcohol. I suppose I might be tempted to sneak a sip of champagne at 9pm (Because hey, man. Midnight in New York is good enough for me) but I’m smack dab in the middle of a kidney infection and even sips ain’t happening. What are my plans for New Years Eve? Convincing my children that hot dogs count as fancy appetizers and sending everyone to bed at regular time.

Old age sneaks up on you for real. One New Year’s, you’re strapping on 4” dancing heels at 10pm and the next you’re reading Google reviews for the most effective night serum. I’m fairly sure I’ll be the only mom who needs a walker at Pook & Boogie’s high school graduation.

My mom was a lot smarter than I was about all this. When she was my age, I was already going to college in Seattle and my brother was just shy of joining the Army. She was also smart enough to only have as many children as she has hands, which comes in handy when you inevitably need to whoop all of your children simultaneously. In our house everyone has to wait their turn for a whuppin’, which is not as effective as you might think, but I still manage. If I believed in such things, my spirit animal would be an octopus. Smart, creative, capable of rapid mood changes and possessing enough sucker-bedecked hands to smack all these little behinds into line at the same time.

Look. Nobody send me hate mail. I’m kidding, ok? I don’t beat my kids. Even when they poop on the floor or turn into vomit fountains on the highway, even when they dutch oven me in my own bed, even when I find them in the pantry mainlining chocolate chips. I look at whuppins the same way I look at New Years champagne: with longing and resentment. Man, do I wish. But that just ain’t never gonna happen.

I have spent as much as possible of the last few days firmly planted on the couch, because kidneys. I have done literally zero things on my list of things to do. The house is a wreck, the laundry is threatening to spill out of the windows and there’s a funky smell somewhere that has my windows open even when it’s 44° outside. Do I care? Very much yes. Am I choosing to ignore the caring? Also yes.

I don’t really do resolutions because I had the same one for a good fifteen years (lose weight) and it just made me depressed every January that I was pushing the same rock up the same hill all over again. Resolutions felt like saying: I am not good enough the way I am. So I gave them up. Instead, I try to do the opposite and weed out something that causes me issue. Last year I had to walk away from a friendship that had turned toxic and caused me way more pain than joy. This year, I’m going to stop holding myself to standards that push me to the point of illness. This is my fourth kidney infection of 2019. While I may not be able to fix my kidney issues, stress and lack of sleep are major factors and I CAN change the things the way I push myself. I can start projects earlier or say no to them entirely. I can allow myself to turn down an opportunity without feeling guilty. I can extend the same grace to myself as I would extend to any of you.

No matter what your plans are tonight, please take a few minutes to think about some way you can be more kind to yourself. You are worthy of love and compassion and all manner of good things, from others but mostly especially from yourself. Think about the person you love most in this world and pretend that all the negative things you think about yourself were instead directed at that person. Doesn’t it break your heart a little?

And please, for the love of all of us who miss our 4” dancing heels, drink a glass of champagne for me. I’ll think of you as I apply my night serum and climb into bed at 9pm. May 2020 help us discover more things to love about ourselves.