Crikey

I’m not really an animal person, but I really liked watching Steve Irwin work with them. He was just always so awed and respectful of every creature and so chill when they’d literally try to eat his face off. “Whoooooa she’s a lively one, mate!” with sixty five razor-sharp teeth next to his head. “Crickey!” as that ginormous tail swung around looking for a leg to break. You gotta admire that level of commitment, even if it’s about 60% insanity. I mean, who puts their actual brain next to a fifteen foot crocodile’s head and puts all their faith in duct tape? Who chooses that as a job? Who swims with sharks?

Not me, man.

Getting my big kids ready for school feels a lot like an episode of Crocodile Hunter but minus the chill. I am NOT Steve Irwin. The chaos level makes me so cranky. Everyone’s yelling – WHY is everyone yelling? How many times should you be told to brush your teeth before my head spins around on my shoulders? Are you capable of any speed faster than the DMV sloth in Zootopia? Whose freaking underwear are these? Please, God, tell me that’s dirt on the floor. Please brush your teeth. Didn’t I ask you to brush your teeth? Stop smacking your brother’s behind and BRUSH YOUR TEETH!

While I may not be an animal expert, I can freaking guarantee you that the first mama shark who ate her baby did so while trying to get his squirmy little butt ready for shark school. Chomp chomp, problem solved. And all the other mama sharks were like damn, why didn’t I think of that?

Bean had the temerity yesterday afternoon to tell me to “find my chill”. Let me tell you, there is no amount of duct tape in the world that could have saved her face. You know who has chill? Preteens who sleep twelve hours a night. Seven year olds who decide to wake up at 2am to play Plants Vs Zombies on their IPads. Almost two year olds whose only life responsibility is to eat and get bigger. You know who doesn’t have chill? The mom who has spent all day running errands and doing dishes and planning meals and figuring out how to pay for Christmas presents and is greeted after school with the words, “Is my snack ready on the counter?”

Why, yes. It’s located right next to the Costco-sized can of whoop ass you just opened. Feel free to grab a spoon.

Be strong, mamas. No matter how many times your head revolves like a top, at least you aren’t gonna eat your baby. We’re winning at least one battle in the Mama War. But for sure, go find you some duct tape.