We had a cookie exchange at my MOPS group today to celebrate Christmas. It was ironically paired with a talk from a visiting doctor about stress and how it affects the body, along with ways to mitigate those effects. (The topic probably wasn’t ironic to anyone but me, so I kept my observations internal. I’ll get to that in a minute.) Apparently our bodies produce different types of brain waves based on emotion, and the sort of get-it-done She-Ra mode into which I often slip produces brain waves of the High Beta variety. High beta waves stimulate your heart and send your adrenal glands into overdrive, but shut down your reproductive and immune systems. The doctor said something along the lines of, “the world has enough successful people – it needs more compassionate ones”. Essentially, stop wearing your busy hectic-ness as a badge of honor and just slow the eff down.
This is problematic for me. I spend at least 50% of my day in High Beta. There are about 500 things to do on any given day, even if we don’t leave the house. If I tried just taking a break, the laundry would bulge out the doors while everyone was naked and nobody had anything for dinner. The neighbors would call CPS because of all the screaming. The slower ones might get eaten. (Sorry, Bean.) In short, it would be less than successful. This house is policed by a tiny army of my own creation who consume carbohydrates like locusts in a wheat field. My initial reaction was, slow down? Yeah, sure.
The irony of the subject matter comes in when I consider the time I spent baking this year. Our giving list doubled this year between Melissa’s new job and my new neighborhood relationships. I’m not complaining- it’s awesome. But I am also not exaggerating when I say that I spent five solid days baking this year – FIVE DAYS. 45 dozen cookies, 18 pounds of fudge, 600+ individually wrapped caramels and more. All in all, we made 30 boxes of goodies to give out and 3 big trays for Melissa’s office, my MOPS group and for our Christmas dinner. Everything was made from scratch and not expensive, so it took hourrrrrsss because remember the triangle, people. Quality, speed and economy: you can only pick 2. Mama Cheapskate over here hasn’t slept in way too long.
I spent a couple hours driving around delivering goodies today, so it gave me some time to chew on today’s discussion. I do pride myself on my ability to just knuckle-down and Get Crap Done. It’s true that I end up taking every possible thought and idea to the nth degree and can never leave anything simple. And I know that I have a tendency to get whiny about how much there is to do when I’m the one who made the to-do list in the first place. Why do I do that? Is it bad? Is it even necessary?
Invariably, I roll up with whatever crazy project I planned (:ahem: 9 sets of Christmas pajamas) and someone starts talking about how I do too much. Depending on the speaker, it’s either from the stance of “you’re just so amazing” or “way to show me up”. Both are equally WRONG. Because I make myself absolutely bananacakes with anxiety over these projects and it’s 150% NOT to make anyone else look or feel less-than. I have said for years that I don’t know any other way to be, but today I think maybe the truth is that I use these projects to bury my emotions. If I’m scared about something or feeling out of control, I start some gigantic project because then all I can think about is what needs to be done rather than what I feel and how to change it. I think my busyness has become less of a badge of honor and more of a coping mechanism. It’s a shield. As long as I’m busy, I don’t have time to feel any of the feels.
I’m not sure what I want to do with this information just yet. Maybe just calling the behavior what it is can be the first step. Maybe the next time I feel myself start to dive head-first into something all-consuming I take a deep breath and make sure I’m not running away from something first. Maybe there actually IS a different way to be.
My Five Ring Circus 