There are certain things about parenting that are simultaneously adorable and crazy-making. Like this morning, when Noodle would only speak to me by whistling and spent five minutes teaching me the correct way of whistling “yes”. Apparently there is no way to whistle no, because “yes is much more gooder”. Hilarious, but problematic at times, particularly when you’re a six year old with strong opinions on clothing and mom is giving you two shirt options for the day.
I think God must feel the same way about me sometimes. Every time I volunteer for a new project and wildly overcommit myself, I sure hope He chuckles a little as he shakes His head and says, “Again, really?!?”
Early this past summer, I was asked to run – or is the right word produce, because clearly I have no idea what I’m doing – the Christmas pageant for our church. In my defense, this was well before the planning for Potterpalooza had even begun, before Melissa lost her job and the subsequent financial turmoil and before I knew Pook would not, in fact, be having surgery in Philadelphia in July. Additionally, at the time this idea was floated to me, there was a script and accompanying props already in storage from a pageant several years ago. All I would have to do was arrange and oversee rehearsals and recreate the magic of Christmas Past. That didn’t sound too bad.
So of course I said yes. I didn’t whistle it, though. That’s got to count for something, right? Yes is much more gooder.
Then summer and Melissa’s job and Philly and Bean’s birthday and blah blah blah. The prepackaged pageant was discussed frequently, but in the end nobody could find the actual script. And now it’s September and we have no script and I am starting to freak the ever-living heck out but I already said I’d do it and holy mother of all that is good and true, what was I thinking?
What did I do? Something I honestly never do – I procrastinated. My typical method is more steamroll-the-crap-out-of-life-and-just-keep-going, but I was scared. The woman at our church who has run these pageants in the past is crazy good at it and her immense load of talent completely intimidates me. I kept having visions of all the parents in church rolling their eyes and saying things like, “Wow, the pageant was SO MUCH better last year…” Not even kidding, I had dreams about people being mad at me over this pageant! It’s all utter nonsense, because our church is amazing, the woman who’s done these in the past is kind and funny and supportive and, by golly, I can write. And my mom wrote pageants for 20 years and offered to help several times. But I had dug my heels into the mud and I just got stuck there.
My script deadline was yesterday. Know when I finished it? Three in the afternoon… yesterday. And as I printed copies to take to the meeting last night, the weight that rolled off my shoulders was so palpable that I honestly felt lightheaded. I went to my meeting and nobody yelled at me or said I was an idiot, which were things I’d done to myself. And two of my dear, dear friends gave me things to read at choir practice, both of which could be summed up by the phrase: be nice to yourself because life is hard work and you are doing your best.
I can not argue with any of that. Life is hard work. I am absolutely trying my best. And I do need to be nicer to myself.
I might not like how I arrived, but I’m glad to have climbed out of the mudpit and back onto the road. Next time, I’m gonna try to take a moment to consider before automatically saying yes. Because yes might feel much more gooder at first, but it can also lead to complete exhaustion and immobility if it’s your only option. There really does need to be a word for no.
Sometimes no is much more gooder, too.
My Five Ring Circus 